Sunday, July 15, 2012

My Greatest Dream.....


I love it when God gives clear direction and re-sparks your passion for an area of life.  For me, that happened with motherhood recently.

I’m a dreamer and achiever, and I’ve wondered for a long time about how to share my passion for babywearing with other people…how to help more moms, especially in my area- but anywhere in general, too.  I’m also an entrepreneur at heart, so I’ve been tossing around the idea of becoming a vendor for some of my favorite carriers, setting up a website, seeing if I could speak at some MOPS groups or something, and so forth.  It was an exciting prospect- there would be so many awesome angles to it.  But after looking into what all I needed to start out, and starting to make heads and tails of the government stuff, and then figuring out how much money I would need to “borrow” from Ben….and doing lots and lots of dreaming…I started trying to figure out realistically how much time it would require- for starting up, and as I grew – and whether or not that would effect my family.  I’m still not sure how much time I’d need per week….but I’ve no doubt that it would be quite a bit, especially in the start up phase.  Yeah, I could do it….but, especially if we were to have another little one, there’s no way I could do it without taking from my family.  Taking from time with my babies, taking from time as wife, taking from preparing healthy and creative meals, taking from the home.  I considered the possibility ofusing NFP for a brief season so I could get things rolling without taking time away from everyone who needs me, and waiting a while before having another baby, since Ben was very supportive of whatever direction I chose. 

I didn’t feel like there was one clearly right or wrong way, which felt strange.  Because the thing is, I no longer have super clear ideas about family size, patriarchy, etc.  I no longer feel it’s wrong for a woman to pursue dreams beyond being a wife and mom.  But figuring out how life works, and what’s right for each situation can sometimes feel confusing- because there isn’t one across the board decision.  My decision isn’t better than the next woman’s.  It’s just the right one for me.  Even though I no longer feel chained (not that I ever felt chained by it, because it fits me personally…but adhered in a legalistic way?  yes.) by patriarchy and man-made ideas of gender roles and functions.

So I prayed about it….and God responded with such clarity, it’s sparked a new passion for life and my role as a wife and mom.  It’s the awesome part of a personal relationship with Father, instead of a rule book.  Though I’ll be honest- that kind of thing doesn’t happen everyday for me.  Usually, I feel like I’m just plodding along.

The answer was no.  Or at least, not now.  But this time….not because it would be wrong to pursue it, but because it isn’t my biggest dream.  I have lots of dreams and ideas, and they just can’t all fit together.  There’s picking and choosing involved.  For me?  I choose being a mom. 

God reminded me that being a mother is my biggest, most beautiful dream.  Right now is the only fertile season of my life.  If I choose to put that on hold just so I can pursue something else – something I could pursue anytime – I’m going to really regret it in 25-30 years.  I have a love affair with babies…and I’m a long ways from ready to not have one around.  I wouldn’t be able to choose not to- I know myself too well.  I would regret putting time into the business that would take from Ben and the kids.  I would regret splitting my time in more directions than I can keep up with.  What I’ll never regret, though, is putting the business on hold for 25-30 years, and delving headfirst into this beautiful, life-changing, world-changing dream of being a mother.  I’ll never regret having another baby to hold, or saving time for my older kids.  I’ll never regret homeschooling or being involved in my kids’ lives in a huge way.  I’ll never regret sleepless nights and snuggly days.  I’ll never regret pregnancies and the wear and tear.  I’ll never regret the effort to bring a baby into the world.  This life….I’ll never regret. 

I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was 3.  That’s as far back as I can remember…it’s my deepest, greatest and oldest dream.  For me, it’s one of the greatest things life has to offer.  I’m honored and grateful that God chose to fulfill that dream for me.  The thing I love about God speaking to me, instead of adhering to some guy’s rules is that reminder.  I choose being a mom, not because I’m better than someone else, but because it’s my greatest desire.

So here I am…just a mom, loving life.  Holding my babies, parenting instinctually, and putting my family first.  Loving every minute of it.  And maybe in 30 years, that business will take a leap.  Maybe by then, with many years of experience, I’ll have something truly unique and special to offer people.  And it would be a way to stay in touch with babywearing when my babies are all grown up.  In the meanwhile, we’ll keep sharing the babywearing love as opportunities come up- and maybe see about speaking at MOPS or other events if the occasion arises.  But most of all, in the meanwhile….I’ll be here, a mom.    

7 comments:

  1. Great blog. I think right now, the world will just get you for "free" : ) Cuz I know you won't stop helping everyone in the best way you can!
    And I like your truthfulness with your changing thoughts of family size, "rules", patriarchy, etc. I know there is an ideal and I know there are other ways that are right for other people.
    God bless!
    Erin

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    1. Our journey's come a long ways...and I'm sure will ever continue to change. :-) It seems like being stuck in boxes and unwilling to search truth out or admit we might be wrong causes a lot of problems in Christianity. So....here we are.

      I'm okay with being being gotten for free in the realm of helpign with b'wearing at least. :-)

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  2. You teaching classes on baby wearing is totally something you can do - and other moms need. No overhead required! I don't know what I'm going to do when I have a little one, but flying out to visit for a personal consultation I think is on the list at this point. ;)

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    1. Yeah....I would like to start looking into other opportunities for that. I've been doing classes with another gal at our pregnancy center for over a year, but that hasn't really gone anywhere....there just isn't any interest/participation over there. So should start looking into some other groups. In the meanwhile, God's opened up several doors recently to provide one-on-one help, and I'm going to help a new mama of twins next week. :-) It's exciting to see God work and open up doors for sharing my passion...and to have a hubby who helps and supports, too!

      Ohhhh, you could fly out. :-D But on more practical levels, when you get there, I could help you try to find a b'wearing group in your area...and help you long distance. :-)

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  3. I've been in business for myself for the last 13 years, essentially since I finished with whatever the equivalent of high school is for us home educated folks.

    If I had my way, I would gladly exchange the 80-hour workweeks, the years spent with no profitability, and, yes, the years when I've turned a good profit, to get to be a father again. But I know I've heard from the Lord that he wants me to stick with this business and to not give up on it or my partners, no matter how hard things seem.

    But be glad he's shown you the calling he has! There is no joy in business trips with delayed flights, hours spent driving to client sites, evenings spent printing up sales tax reports, and mornings spent balancing QuickBooks unless you know the Lord is in the middle of it. And, yes, business will still exist in 30 years, new moms and babies will still exist, and the needs you see in the marketplace you'd like to fulfil will, I somehow think, still be there.

    I'm a tiny bit jealous he's put the calling on you he has and that I have the calling I have. But I'm also encouraged and strengthened to see your attitude to be faithful, and I'm challenged to be faithful with my own calling as well.

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  4. So relatable for me, Brianna! Just about different things, but obviously motherhood fits in there too! It's natural to have several passions and interests in life. I personally have never been reeeally good at anything, but have been good enough at everything, that it has been difficult for me to decide which things to pursue and which things to sacrifice. It's better to sacrifice some dreams than to sacrifice quality of life. It's weird, because I was just reading an article this morning about how God's plan for your life isn't always so cut in stone like it was for some of the Father's of our faith. God allows us to chose our path, and works with what we decide. And then sometimes he has a clear path for us. (Not to get all doctrinal, or free will versus anything else! ha!) But you know what I mean, obviously. As you have been learning this in your own life.

    Anyway, I'm coming to a point in my life where I will need to start making cuts, and it's sort of stressing me out thinking about what decisions to make. I hope my answer is as clear as yours was. But if not, I think our family will figure it out along the way. :)

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    1. Enjoyed your comment, Mandi! I'm sure your journey into motherhood will be awesome, and you'll figure out how to cut and not as needed. Yes....there is decision making, and sometimes there isn't a "right" way....but it all works out. ;-)

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