Sunday, July 15, 2012

My Greatest Dream.....

I love it when God gives clear direction and re-sparks your passion for an area of life.  For me, that happened with motherhood recently.

I’m a dreamer and achiever, and I’ve wondered for a long time about how to share my passion for babywearing with other people…how to help more moms, especially in my area- but anywhere in general, too.  I’m also an entrepreneur at heart, so I’ve been tossing around the idea of becoming a vendor for some of my favorite carriers, setting up a website, seeing if I could speak at some MOPS groups or something, and so forth.  It was an exciting prospect- there would be so many awesome angles to it.  But after looking into what all I needed to start out, and starting to make heads and tails of the government stuff, and then figuring out how much money I would need to “borrow” from Ben….and doing lots and lots of dreaming…I started trying to figure out realistically how much time it would require- for starting up, and as I grew – and whether or not that would effect my family.  I’m still not sure how much time I’d need per week….but I’ve no doubt that it would be quite a bit, especially in the start up phase.  Yeah, I could do it….but, especially if we were to have another little one, there’s no way I could do it without taking from my family.  Taking from time with my babies, taking from time as wife, taking from preparing healthy and creative meals, taking from the home.  I considered the possibility ofusing NFP for a brief season so I could get things rolling without taking time away from everyone who needs me, and waiting a while before having another baby, since Ben was very supportive of whatever direction I chose. 

I didn’t feel like there was one clearly right or wrong way, which felt strange.  Because the thing is, I no longer have super clear ideas about family size, patriarchy, etc.  I no longer feel it’s wrong for a woman to pursue dreams beyond being a wife and mom.  But figuring out how life works, and what’s right for each situation can sometimes feel confusing- because there isn’t one across the board decision.  My decision isn’t better than the next woman’s.  It’s just the right one for me.  Even though I no longer feel chained (not that I ever felt chained by it, because it fits me personally…but adhered in a legalistic way?  yes.) by patriarchy and man-made ideas of gender roles and functions.

So I prayed about it….and God responded with such clarity, it’s sparked a new passion for life and my role as a wife and mom.  It’s the awesome part of a personal relationship with Father, instead of a rule book.  Though I’ll be honest- that kind of thing doesn’t happen everyday for me.  Usually, I feel like I’m just plodding along.

The answer was no.  Or at least, not now.  But this time….not because it would be wrong to pursue it, but because it isn’t my biggest dream.  I have lots of dreams and ideas, and they just can’t all fit together.  There’s picking and choosing involved.  For me?  I choose being a mom. 

God reminded me that being a mother is my biggest, most beautiful dream.  Right now is the only fertile season of my life.  If I choose to put that on hold just so I can pursue something else – something I could pursue anytime – I’m going to really regret it in 25-30 years.  I have a love affair with babies…and I’m a long ways from ready to not have one around.  I wouldn’t be able to choose not to- I know myself too well.  I would regret putting time into the business that would take from Ben and the kids.  I would regret splitting my time in more directions than I can keep up with.  What I’ll never regret, though, is putting the business on hold for 25-30 years, and delving headfirst into this beautiful, life-changing, world-changing dream of being a mother.  I’ll never regret having another baby to hold, or saving time for my older kids.  I’ll never regret homeschooling or being involved in my kids’ lives in a huge way.  I’ll never regret sleepless nights and snuggly days.  I’ll never regret pregnancies and the wear and tear.  I’ll never regret the effort to bring a baby into the world.  This life….I’ll never regret. 

I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was 3.  That’s as far back as I can remember…it’s my deepest, greatest and oldest dream.  For me, it’s one of the greatest things life has to offer.  I’m honored and grateful that God chose to fulfill that dream for me.  The thing I love about God speaking to me, instead of adhering to some guy’s rules is that reminder.  I choose being a mom, not because I’m better than someone else, but because it’s my greatest desire.

So here I am…just a mom, loving life.  Holding my babies, parenting instinctually, and putting my family first.  Loving every minute of it.  And maybe in 30 years, that business will take a leap.  Maybe by then, with many years of experience, I’ll have something truly unique and special to offer people.  And it would be a way to stay in touch with babywearing when my babies are all grown up.  In the meanwhile, we’ll keep sharing the babywearing love as opportunities come up- and maybe see about speaking at MOPS or other events if the occasion arises.  But most of all, in the meanwhile….I’ll be here, a mom.